Mental health is not a solo journey.
Ultimately, our mental health depends on our understanding of ourselves, our world, and the choices we make within those spheres of understanding, but human beings are social animals and we live in communities. This means that our relationships, from the moment we are conceived, play a crucial role in how mentally stable we will be.
If we consider our need for relationships, we can identify three layers or tiers of connection. They are:
Peers
Those we serve
Elders
Let's consider the first two briefly before we unpack the third.
Peers are equals. These are friends, coworkers, acquaintances, and family members often experiencing the same stage of life we are. Often, peers are our age or close to it. Indeed, life unfolds in stages which correspond to ages, so our peers are those people who are passing through the age and stage in which we find ourselves. Peers provide empathy, support, advice when needed, humor, and companionship along the way. The relationship is symbiotic -- this means both people benefit equally, it's reciprocal, an even exchange.
The people we serve are those who benefit directly from our strengths and gifts. It's a one-way relationship: us to them. It can be enormously rewarding, but the relationship exists for one reason: to serve someone else. It's where and how we "give back." It's how we pass on the lessons we've learned and prepare the next generation for the road ahead. It's sacrificial. We are not paid or compensated in any way for our time and energy. The ritual is in the service, the sharing of knowledge. And those we serve and mentor in this way are almost always younger than us. (There are exceptions.) Service need not start in adulthood. A ten year old teaches his four year old brother how to throw a baseball. A twelve year old looks after her three year old cousin at a family gathering. A senior takes a freshman under their wing. A middle-aged professional mentors a twenty-two year old getting started professionally. A recovered alcoholic sponsors someone who is early in their sobriety. (In this case, age would not matter.) The relationship flows in one direction: us to them.
Finally, elders. Elders are generally older. They are usually people who have passed the midpoint of life, given the average life span. So if the average age of a man is 80, he would not be perceived as an elder unless or until he turned at least 40. (Again, there are exceptions. Very precocious young adults who are wise for their age can behave as elders, however society will rarely recognize them as such.) Elders are closer to their death than their birth. They can see and imagine the finish line, and this shift in perspective on their own life affords them a wisdom that younger people simply cannot attain. It's knowing that it's finite - this life - that creates the depth of meaning elders grasp.
So are all older people elders? Sadly, no. Many older people are neither viewed nor needed as elders because they lack the one quality that makes an older person an elder:
WISDOM
It is a fact: older does not mean wiser. Many old and older people have accumulated years but not knowledge. They have lived but not learned. They have aged but not advanced. So what stops an older person from becoming an elder? They have not sought wisdom, and wisdom is conferred on those who seek it.
Without elders, a society flails and stumbles. Lessons have to be learned the hard way, again and again. Elders provide legitimate shortcuts to those who are fortunate enough to sit at their feet and listen. We learn truths, stories, and phrases that make their way into our hearts and guide us in moments of difficulty and decision making. Without elders, the younger generation is flying blind.
This begs the question: what are older people doing that is prohibiting them from acquiring wisdom? Why aren't they becoming elders? The problem lies in three misguided paths:
"Friends" instead of parents
Platitudes instead of empathy
Denial instead of facing truth
First, parents who want to be their children's "friends." Folks, this is a disastrous path. The parent-child relationship is sacred in both its purpose and its structure. Its purpose is to create life and then sustain it through provision, nurture, and care. But its structure is equally important! Parents are the people whom their children must learn to respect and trust. All relationships are built on these two actions: respect and trust. There are no exceptions! A parent who is more concerned with being perceived by their child as "cool" or accepted will lose both. A parent who has failed to cultivate meaningful adult friendships and uses their child or children as their emotional support system has upended the parent-child structure. This is called a role reversal. Parents exist to meet the emotional needs of their children, not the other way around. When a child is put in the impossible position of being a parent's emotional caretaker, this imprints codependency into the child. They will ignore their own needs in favor of the parent's. Why? Because their surivival depends on their parent, so they will keep themselves alive and safe by caretaking mom and dad. This pattern is disastrous in adulthood.
This is a parent who refuses to face a crucial reality of parenting which is that your children will inevitably dislike you if you discipline them. No one enjoys discipline! But it's necessary in the formation of character. Parents who prioritize their own need for acceptance and approval over their children's need for discipline sacrifice their children's character for their own immediate emotional needs. So they cannot be elders. Elders do not seek immediate gratification. They have learned that the outcome is worth the process.
Second, older people who offer platitudes instead of empathy. What is a platitude? A platitude is a vague, overused phrase meant to minimize another's pain. Phrases like:
"God is in control."
"Just do your best."
"Everything happens for a reason."
"There are plenty of fish in the sea."
What's wrong with platitudes? These cutesy sayings are so common, we've accepted them as niceties, the words we offer when we have nothing else to say. Indeed, they might even masquerade as wisdom. But they are not. So this begs the question: why don't they help?
Because the very purpose of a platitude is to stop the flow of pain, and pain is our greatest teacher. Elders know this. They know the value of suffering because they've done it. They've earned wisdom and peace through their suffering, which is the only way to acquire either, and they would never stand between someone and their pain if their pain could birth wisdom.
What they do give is empathy. It is hard to suffer. It is hard to learn lessons in life. It is hard to endure disappointments and regrets. It is even harder to do all of this alone! Elders don't let people sit alone in their pain. The pain is hard enough, we don't need to add loneliness to it. So instead of meaningless, cutesy phrases, aka platitudes, elders offer empathy: the ability to sit with someone in pain and be with them in it. Not take it away. Not help them avoid it or numb it. Not mask it with unproductive humor. Not "fix" the problem causing the pain. Elders simply say, "I know how hard this is. I'm with you in it," while silently, inwardly saying, "I'm not going to take this away from you. I love you too much to do that. I respect you too much to do that. You can get through this and learn from it, but you won't be alone. You'll never be alone." By offering empathy, they give the younger generation a chance to learn and grow while holding onto a steady, mature, loving hand.
Finally, older people who live in denial instead of facing truth. We've likely all heard the phrase "do your work." This refers to inner work - the work we do within ourselves to know ourselves, develop self-awareness, face our own demons, own our Shadow, and transform. Most people do not transform in this life; they just get older. They survive. They distract themselves with pleasure and/or entertainment. They never learn the value of their own pain. They age chronologically but emotionally stagnate.
Why?
They don't face the truth. They don't tell the truth. They sugarcoat ugliness. They avoid conflict. They lie about their mistakes. They lie about their family history. They reject reality. They disguise their pain. They cloak it in humor or success. They don't take responsibility for the pain they cause in relationships. They don't see the importance of personal accountability. They dismiss hard conversations. They use their age as an excuse to disengage from difficult conversations. "I'm too old for this," they say. But they've never been willing. Their age isn't actually a factor. They're emotionally lazy, unable to give others the complexity of empathy, humility, and honesty that real relationships require. They're "too old" to do their work.
These are not elders. These are just old people.
Our society is suffering and flailing due to the lack of elders - older people who will tell it like it is, who will allow those younger than them to suffer through the pain of self-discpline, and who will lovingly walk alongside them as they do. Those who have bravely done their work and can support others who do.
When a society has elders, order is restored.
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